Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Nothing ever exist entirely alone!

All things appear and disappear because of concurrence of causes and conditions.  Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else.

Being grateful finds a place in my mind, spirit and soul each day somewhere at times that I tend to question "how is this", yet, I am led to that space to be grateful.  So, I am thankful to have a God who guides me with patience, discipline, direction, action, lazy allowances and financial blessings.  Plus so much more that I loose my words for.

I am so grateful to my husband......I don't know if he has any idea how much I look up to him, honor him, am thankful for his presence and treatment of me, treatment and acceptance of all of me, which couldn't have been that easy....

I am grateful for my children who have blessed my life with heartache, headaches, anger, fights, forgiveness, enjoyment, smiles, stories, hugs, kisses, memories (some not so great and other filled with enjoyment, Thanksgivings, Christmas, love and acceptance of me.

The truth is that daily I have to let myself off the hook and forgive myself from the situations that I can not control and have held my head with tension, aches, pains and anger that may have attempted to invade my head, heart, emotions, soul.  I do this so that I can move forward.  Sometimes, I have beaten myself up about my past because I forget about the huge amount of movement forward that I have had in my life.  Yes, I have had some set backs that put me on my ass and left me a pile of destruction to clean up, remove and start over.....Those are strengths not weaknesses, sometimes I just forget for a moment.................My faith and even fear demand that I believe in something I cannot see.  I have chosen to choose faith....I don't underestimate fear and how it has and will continue to hold me back.  My choice is faith.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

A Friend of Mine - 4616

A "friend" of mine reached out recently and is in a situation that is a hard one for me to give guidance on.  She isn't happy with the person she is with but has been with him for a very long time.  She feels that she knows that it is time for her to move on and allow him to get himself together, maybe they will be together again or maybe they both will have moved on.  She told me that the biggest thing is that her financial situation is that she would have to just up and leave because he won't leave, he would never leave her, and she would have to scale down greatly because they incurred alot of debt together and singularly, she could face garnishment etc....She loves this person and would love to see him "get" it but her over the years that she has been with him he has had one job after another and never been able to man up about people either not paying him or his believing that he always has that "gold" ring in his finger instead of becoming financially stable with a job that you work hard with and move your way to the top...He has drained her financially so many times, more than she could even tell me without coming to tears, he has drained her sexual desires towards him, she would rather roam the Internet than have him touch her and when they do have sex it would be every 4 to 6 weeks just to...He has drained her spirit by lifting it where she believed him so many times and it just kept falling over and over and over and over and over and over again....He has drained her emotionally by using her forgiveness and loving nature to string her along, again she would believe....He has drained her mentally through her inability to see herself as more than just a piece of property and not worthy of good treatment.  While she was talking to me, her tears had gone away...Her tears were merely a moment in her time with him feeling sorry for herself.  Her tears had dried up because she was no longer invested in making it work with him and felt trapped like a caged animal.  After taking a breath and thinking over what she had said earlier about it being her financial situation that was holding her back, she told me that was a lie, what was really holding herself back was that she had always thought she had believed him and now realized that she had never believed him; she had seen him for what he was from day one, just another man wanting her sexually, with a selfish, selfish thinking of himself without the ability to tell her "no" when needed most, when he need to say it because her child was in the other room, when she needed to think about herself and her child before telling him "yes" all the time and her jumping into the relationship 1000 percent, to think about that instead of "fixing" him and he certainly needed fixing, she overlooked that he had a small apartment without a car when they met, and she jumped right in head first without even thinking and made sure that she used her money to get him a vehicle so that it wasn't so inconvenient for  him to be with her, to get to her.  Her words to me at that moment were "What a fool I was then."  My thoughts at that time were that she was a troubled woman that had, had too many men fool her and that she had overlooked the most important piece of this puzzle herself and  her child....She said to me that she looked at him like he was her white knight in her dark life.  Even though she was the one doing the saving he was the one reaping the benefits, what had she gotten back then?  She had gotten a person in her life that drank as much as she did, masked as much as she did with the alcohol.........She had gotten a person in her life that had lied to her about what he was about, his job, his reality of his last relationship, his regard for her and her child...She spoke out loud that she knew, she had known all along she just didn't allow herself to hear it because that would mean that she would have to make drastic changes that she wasn't prepared for emotionally or mentally and that scared her, that scared her down to her last chill out of her toes.  She said then that "Now I am always cold, I look forward to dying."  When she said that I saw tears in her eyes, even several come out of her eyes, and her eyelids and eyes became wrought with bloodshot, so bloodshot that I just knew she meant it, that she meant that she looks forward to the day that somehow she wouldn't be here anymore because it would remove her from this hell that she felt that she was living in.  Once she pulled it together she began to tell me how her heart hurt so badly that she had brought another person into her son's life that had not stood up for her or her child, she then tells me that she had expected that he would have come in and swept her off her feet and make her life easier, financially, fatherly with her son, lovingly to show her that not all men were the same.  This hadn't happened for her, her fantasy wasn't a reality.  Her reality was that she had made a choice to be with someone that needed alot of work in so many areas, financially he was a wreck and didn't have the drive to make the changes himself to fix it, he was emotionally a child, he barely had the ability to communicate with her without his dukes up, he believed that attempting to avoid any situation and then it would go away, mentally he had lied so often in his life to so many people that he didn't know how not to lie or not to bring others into his lies............Physically he was selfish, he couldn't control himself and make love and not fuck.  Spiritually he shared nothing about himself and his beliefs of life and when asked he just gave the basics, that he believed in Jesus and God.   Her next thoughts and words were that she had involved herself with someone who she wanted to believe was going to make it all better, at that moment and then and when it didn't happen she had held on to all of the times that he had financially sunk them, all the times that he had lied to her, all the times that he had fucked her instead of making love to her, all the times that he had shut her out and decided that she wasn't worth listening to.  I knew that these were all about her and her perspective of the situation.  I couldn't help thinking about how close this was to my own own growth as a woman.  She continued to tell me that over the past several years she had picked herself up in the relationship , pulled it together and started over again with him.  This time though she said that she wanted to pick it up and move on because that is the only thing that could make sense this time, because all the other times, all throughout the years together well, they all lead back to the same ole' same ole'.  She said to me that she felt that she had fallen so deep into the same ole' same ole' is going to happen that she had no other way to see him anymore, no other way to respond to the negative outcome, she couldn't even respond anymore because she had nothing left to hold onto....unsure of everything, the fears of the unknown, the continuing the negative cycle.  She was talking to herself at that point....What I heard was exactly that..........She didn't know how to respond to him anymore and that she had fallen because she couldn't find something to hold onto anymore...............Respectively.... 

Friday, February 14, 2014

My Denver Better Business Bureau Vent-Wellbridge/Colorado Athletic Club

In October 2013 I advised a team member in the contract servicing area that I would need to cancel my contract due to an impending move.  This team member advised that she would be happy to do this and since I had paid in a timely manner and had not had any issues and she would allow me to cancel the contract a month early, which would have been in November.  Unfortunately I did not get this employee's name and have no reference and did not get any evidence to support this.  The evidence that I do have is that all the records of  clocking into the facility will show that I did not attend Monaco Athletic Club after a certain day in September 2013.  In December I received a call from Wellbridge telling me that I owed money to this club.  I discussed this with the person and let them know that I had cancelled this membership back in October 2013.  Shannon indicated to me that she would look into it.  I did not receive a call back from anyone from the company until well into January, at that point, my contract should have ended, yet, now the company is saying that they do not automatically end contracts that I now would need to pay through March 2014.  The company manager called me and spoke to me as if I had done something wrong and that I was a "horrible person" because I had not honored my contract. He advised that he did see that I hadn't been there since October but kept stating that I had a contract.  He then stated that he would only charge me through March.  My contract originally would have terminated in December and these people even though I had cancelled in October with approval from a person that of course they couldn't find.....were going to charge me an additional three months.  This is extortion and this business needs to go under.  The manager that I spoke with goes by the name Fred.  I am unsure if this is even a real name.  This company is attempting to extort money from me that I do not owe.  I find these practices disgusting and unethical.  The fact that this company can see that I didn't attend after September 2013 and won't negotiate and even accept that I could be telling the truth is disgusting and even more disgusting is that they want to continue charging me after my contract was over.   Even in December I advised Amanda that I was no longer at the club and it was cancelled and they have advised me that I hadn't done it in writing so therefore it wasn't valid.  People need to know about this company and it's affiliates so that they can stay away from them.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Discipline of the Mind

It seems like now adays...what am I what?  Now there is a lack of motivation in kids?  Lack of attention to detail in kids?  Lack of care and concern about the work kids do?  Kids? Kids? Kids?  Listen to me...all of you  know that it isn't kids, it is us, the parent, the educator, the guidance counselor, the boss, the society at large.  We are the one's with lack of motivation, lack of attention to detail, lack of care and concern, lack of.....

Now for those of you that are stuck in your denial, saying "Not me"....Take a good look, do you do your work to the fullest potential making sure all details are in place?  Do you have motivation to get yourself in a position to get out of bed and look forward to work?  Do you care about and have concerns about how you effect the world?

THESE questions are only a few that can be asked about adults being the ones that are setting examples...Teaching our kids to zone out with a phone or Internet isn't necessarily their choice of actions after school, during school, walking, reading, etc...It is their way of escaping...escaping all of the pressures, demands, agendas, requirements that are put on them from parents, teachers, guides, society, friends....This is their way...What mine or yours was, well maybe only we know that, maybe some others know that and we don't and maybe we know it and don't act upon it.

"Pain and suffering" are words that are associated with so many now adays that kids and adults alike turn to using some sort of drug, legal or illegal.  Some people use their gadgets as a form to get away from the "pain and suffering".  For some people it is  hard to differentiate whether what they are experiencing is "pain and suffering", or simply....just life and by looking at what is occurring in our life's as "pain and suffering" well of course it will become that...

By allowing ourselves to look at our lives differently we will see beyond the "pain and suffering" and see the joy, happiness and contentment that is and can be there for all of us.We may even be able to concentrate better, feel more motivated, more focus on the details a bit more than usual.  When we can do this for ourselves we will eventually experience that joy, happiness and contentment. may not last long the first million times....because it isn't innate or straight up "the way we do it".

So, instead of letting our inability to conquer the "pain and suffering" thinking instantly take us back to the place where we started, we grasp on to all the times that there were those feelings....Remember that we had those and allow ourselves to get the the one million one....time....It just may be that one time, that we get it...we get that recognition of reality and that reality can be filled with contentment...

Peaceful is over-rated....Define you can't....

Peaceful....naaaa....peaceful is for other people, not me.....I like and appreciate my side that can stand up for rights and confront when I am confused and feel attacked....I like to be able to say, "I don't understand what you are saying, can you clarify...."  "What the heck are you doing?"  "I'm not okay with that."  "Please don't do that."  "You don't have the right to treat me that way."  "I am done."    So take a stand...confront those that may be confusing you, disregarding you, disrespecting you...just do it in a way that doesn't leave you with a hateful feeling and hate in your heart....leave it if you just empowered yourself and didn't harm anyone....You have that right.

AND....Argumentative...sure, what the heck, what's wrong with a good argument every once in awhile, you just have to do it open ended so you aren't attacking someone...Just because the stereo-type of an argument is negative...that is not so...arguments are healthy and productive when approached in a manner that isn't filled with hate or disrespect....So argue away...safely...:)

I love content...Content...means to me...I have success in me..whether or not anyone else understands it...I am content with what I am, what I do, where I live, how I behave, my choices, my looks, my spirit, my financial status....CONTENT AM I....Being content allows me to feel happy, feel, joy, feel.......sad...feel angry....FEEL!

Daily Insight

February 5, 2014

It is better to travel well than to arrive.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

What the Hell is Going on?

Tis the season to loose your fucking mind.  So Why not?  My anxiety is so high today that I cleaned the crap out of my office and went and looked for more comfortable chairs in my building's office.  Found two, one for me, (I was sitting on this chair that is for a kids bedroom).  I back has been a wreck for weeks cause it is so flimsy I was always trying to get the freaking chair to sit right when I had a patient in my office.  I suspect I looked like a patient myself.  lol....AND, I found one for my patients that isn't that completely wooden, it has at little patting and a comfortable arm rests.  Thank God there were different chairs, I might just have been ready to quit...hahahah...because of chairs.  I guess that is the anxiety talking...guess....heheh...

And then I went to look for some more amenable items that would help my desk situation.  I was feeling smothered by my own desk.  Jesh, not like I had this mass amount of stuff piling up on my desk, just that I have sorta a smaller desk, not like miniature like kids bedroom desk but with a computer etc, felt alittle overwhelming here and there. Any who, my office isn't so large and we make due right.  So I scavenged again in the basement and found a slim enough smaller desk and am using that for the computer and a few complimentary items.  I am feeling better, the chair is much more comfortable and the access for myself to work on my main desk and the patient to fill out necessary paperwork feels much better.  I found a clip board as well so my patients aren't always scooting up to my desk to work on paperwork...

Cleaning, organization and opening the windows for some cool/cold really but you can tell in my hot ass office, lol, has done alot to minimize my anxiety.  So thank you for healthy tools to help get anxiety under control without mass amounts of medication.

I have known that I needed to write..yet, I put it off and off and then powwwwowwww...It all comes on.  I really put it away because I didn't want to write about stuff that was going to make me cry....HA...I have been crying for the past two weeks each morning.  Yes, putting the past behind me is imperative for my sanity, yet, it doesn't seem as if I can completely and I probably won't allow it all to be put away because of my own personal needs.  I will always love my children and mother and sister, no matter how long I live and breathe I will have a deep love for them that I will carry everywhere with me.  Carrying the love is good, yet, not receiving it from the ones that you love, is a curse that I will have to handle for the rest of my life.  It is what it is and I am growing and can handle it healthy now more than ever.

I have lost alot of motivation to get excercising again.  My insecurities grow each day.  My insecurities might be different than what alot of people think about being heavy.  My insecurities are about being healthy and ending up bedridden, and sure going into a excersice club that has all these people excercising has been a challenge because of the social implications that it brings to the table for me.  Ugh....So, how, how do I get myself to wrap around "hey this is for my health and welfare."  When will that  happen and when will I be able to put out that I can and will do something and not be defiant against it and cut it off at the head and heart when I try to get it going again.  I am tired of hiding things from myself to make it happen.  When and how do I get that curse to go back where it came from, and leave my heart, mind, body and soul.

So, I humbly write today in so many ways.  As much as I am a little annoyed about having to be taught stuff each day, I get excited as well.  I ask you God, to please be with me when I make decisions about my health and welfare and guide me to a better way to handle the openness of my spirit and soul so that my mind and body don't overtake and misguide me.  I ask you to guide me to a right way to be well and healthy and get myself humble to you each and every day.

With great respect and love,

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Growing Closer to God-Not necessarily by the church setting way...

How can you find greater communion with God? The answers to this question are different for each person. Find your answers to this question so that you may grow closer to God.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

What are your sensations today? Info and excercise

Sensations are a physical feeling in the body.  Sensation language describes these physical feelings using words based on the five senses. (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight)  It is important not to confuse sensations with emotions.  While emotions do have accompanying sensations, the emotions themselves are not sensations.  For instance, think about fear.  Fear is an emotion that, for me anyway, comes all wrapped up with the sensations of extreme clenching in my stomach, constriction in my chest and pressure in my throat.  Here are some more examples.  Tingling is a sensation.  Anger is not. Queasy is a sensation.  Longing isn’t.  Relaxed is a sensation.  Happy is not.

What are your sensations today?

Sensation is a physical feeling in the body.
Sensation Language describes these physical feelings using words based on the five senses (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight).
It is important to not confuse sensations with emotions. While emotions do have accompanying sensations, the emotions themselves are not sensations.

For instance, think about fear. Fear is an emotion that, for me anyway, comes all wrapped up with the sensations of extreme clenching in my stomach, constriction in my chest and pressure in my throat.
Here are some more examples: tingling is a sensation. Anger is not. Queasy is. Longing isn’t. Relaxed is. Happy is not. In short, speaking Sensation involves using words based on the five senses to describe whatever you are experiencing in your body.
The Category of Common Sensations
  The
 Tender
 Sensitive
 Bruised
 Achy
 Sore
 Tense
 Tight
 Nauseous
Sensations that just won’t Stay Still
  Shaky
 Trembly
 Throbbing
 Pounding
 Fluttery
 Shivery
 Queasy
 Wobbly
 Bubbly
 Dizzy
 Spacey
 Breathless
 Sensations that have Nerve Quality
  Prickly
 Electric
 Tingling
 Nervy
 Twitchy
 Burning
 Radiating
 Referring
 Buzzy
 Itchy
 The Ugh and Blah Category
  Wooden
 Congested
 Dull
 Dense
 Frozen
 Icy
 Disconnected
 Thick
 Blocked
 Contracted
 Heavy
 Suffocated
 Cold
 Numb
 Closed
 Dark
 Hollow
 Empty
 The “Feel Stabby Much” List
  Tense
 Tight
 Constricted
 Clenched
 Knotted
 Hot
 Full
 Sweaty
 Sensations that often signal well-being and vitality
  Calm
 Energized
 Smooth
 Streaming
 Warm
 Cool
 Relaxed
 Open
 Light
 Spacious
 Airy
 Releasing
 Expanded
 Expansive
 Flowing
 Floating
 Fluid
 Draining

Sensations are the language (the words) of our bodies.  They are how our bodies communicate with us.  Speaking Sensation allows us to interact with our bodies in a way that is gentle, non-invasive, and that promotes an increased sense of ease and wellbeing.  They are constantly letting us know what is going on with them.  “I’m hungry, I’m full, I’m hot, cold, thirsty, in pain….Sometimes the messages are very clear “That hurts!”  Sometimes, they are quite subtle.

We can explore the ways your body communicates with you through your sensations.  Believe me, the vocabulary of your body extends far beyond full, thirsty, cold, hot, pain, and hungry.

A friend asks you “how are you?”  Without really thinking about it you answer, “Good!”  In that moment, you mean it.  You really do feel good.  BUT, what does “good” mean?  How do you know you feel good?  Enter sensations!  TaDA!  Scan your body…what do you notice?  Is there a sense of expansiveness in your chest?  Perhaps you feel an overall sense of lightness and space throughout your body.  Perhaps you are experiencing something entirely different that to you feels good.  What word other than “good” could you use to give a more body-based description of how you are?

Although it may sound strange, it is often much easier to speak Sensation when describing pain.  In general, most people have a fairly extensive pain-based sensation vocabulary-extensive compared to words describing a state of wellbeing and comfort, that is.

Step 1: Scan your body and choose your favorite tension-holding body part.  For the purposes of this exercise, choose and area of chronic, lower grade tension.  Avoid areas of recent injury or high-intensity pain.
Example:  I’m tuning into my right knee

Step 2: Allow yourself to just notice what is happening there on the level of sensation.  You can refer to the list that I have provided for words if you get stuck.  (and yup, stuck is a great sensation word!)
Example:  Initially, I noticed a pulling in the back of my thigh, a tingling going down my shin and this dullness directly under my kneecap.

Step 3:  Give yourself 3-5 minutes to continue noticing and watching (witnessing) that part of your body.  As you pay attention to it (without trying to fix it or change it), what happened?  Does the sensation stay the same or does it change?  If it changes, what sensation word would now describe it?
Example:  the pulling sensation dissipated (went away); the tingling in the shin increased momentarily and then decreased, the dullness became more of an ache and then I noticed a gentle pulsing beneath the kneecap.  Interesting right….

The very act of paying attention to your body changes your experience.  Sensations give us a very concrete way to interact with and listen to our bodies.  It is through this listening, this interaction, this communicating that our bodies (we) change.